What Happens When Your Future Is Not So Clear

Over the years, I have made many plans and have had many “brilliant” ideas that seemed so pressing at the time. They may or may not have been successful or rewarding but I have always pursued them the way I do everything-relentlessly. Here I am at this point, having tried a lot, learnt a lot and done a lot still not where I want to be. 

This article is to you and me. Even if it takes me the rest of my life, I will never quit.

I’ve always had these huge dreams for myself at every stage of my life. In hindsight, these dreams were never that huge but at the time they seemed like exactly what I needed at the time. Each endeavour told my subconscious that it was the most important thing at that time and would be rewarding enough to pursue.

While I was in high school, I discovered that I loved drawing and determined that I would be a fashion designer. I established a book of designs and worked on that. Eventually, I started creating those clothes and planned to purchase a sewing machine. Eventually realised that the patterns part of sewing didn’t impress me. Killed that.

Sought to become a writer, and compiled a number of short fictional stories. Loved that but lost interest after a while.

At one point, I wanted to be an air hostess and if that airline’s head office was in my country, they would’ve gotten no peace from me. Eventually, I realised that while I love travelling, I hate flying.

At another point, I wanted to move to Antigua (not sure why) but I attacked that initiative like it was my last move before death. While in the planning phases, I learnt that Antigua and Dominica were different in some areas and similar in other. Not good enough for me.

Later on, I discovered that I loved writing and decided to create a Maggie Says empire with these articles so I could work from home because I had an epiphany and felt that there was no hope in working for someone else.

I bought a template and url and organised everything, all that was missing was to make it public. After a few months of tweaking it every day and “seeing it through other people’s eyes,” I made it public for about an hour and determined that it wasn’t good enough for me. I killed it.

Subsequent to that, I decided that indeed, that was a good idea and pursued that again but didn’t want to purchase a web template; I wanted to create it myself, from scratch. So I learnt Adobe Dreamweaver to code my site myself. I created my look, my pages, special features. I put down my pages. It was beautiful but not good enough for me yet. I learnt a tough lesson in copyright infringement and lost my motivation and some level of trust in humankind.

Throughout each of these burning endeavours (and others) I put in my all and foresaw a bright and happy future. All I ever wanted was to do something I loved and was good at in my quest for happiness.

My plans would consume my every waking thought and although I was never capable of plotting every detail, I trusted that things would work out. I never had one moment of fear that I would be broke and starve in another country or that I wouldn’t be happy beyond my wildest dreams.

Years later, here I am-wiser and older and not much closer to the elusive happy life. I am happy on a basic level. I don’t need much, don’t worry... but I don’t feel that sense of settling satisfaction that I have always sought.

I’m at an age where I feel, like most of you that I should be elsewhere; except now, my future is not any clearer that I thought it would be. It was closer to clearer when I was thirteen.

It is at this point here when I feel like I’m simultaneously at my threshold of my ultimate bliss and at a crossroads; I stop to put things in perspective.

Here I am with yet another strategy and my practicality is attempting to battle my still childlike faith in that concept of an undeterrable destiny.

I have said all of this to bring me to this statement: Count it all as failures or lessons if you would but there is never any real reason to settle.

I despise the idea of becoming this person who stops and puts dreams aside at the point where he/she is fed, clothed, sheltered and will “get by.”

A part of me says that there is all there is to it but the innocent and trusting part of me says there will always be more.

I feel a call to something greater.

How many small island people are actually living the life they’ve always dreamed of? A few thousand maybe. Countless others are not.

I want to be counted within the few thousand and I feel that if I ever settle, I would have lost a battle against a raging tide and washed away. Lost forever.

If I never reach that point toward which I so desperately and determinedly crawl, I would still be satisfied knowing that if it were not for that purportedly doomed journey, I would not have learned so many things that I have.

I feel like I owe it to my family. Those who have sacrificed for me to be at this point-able to read, write, reason and dare I say, dream.

Again, I have gone on and on but I want both you and I to get this if nothing else. There is never anything to lose by wanting more on a deep subconscious level. I don’t mean something as petty as greed. I mean something as petty as wanting your own hotdog stand or a store in a mall, or a lighted dressing room mirror, or qualification in teaching... I mean something to make your spirit happy. 

Despite all ‘failed’ attempts and perceived illogicality, I persist because I feel a call to something greater. 

Don’t you?

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